I have a secret

Trigger Warning: Miscarriage/Rainbow Baby.

There are no graphic details described, however if these are sensitive topics for you, please proceed with caution. Know that I see you and I’m right there with you.

I never got the official confirmation but I knew. I knew deep in my bones that I was pregnant. And I knew that I had lost a child. I. knew. I knew before that pregnancy test read positive and then again when it read negative a few weeks later.

I did the math, and instantly knew that this was NOT gone be that and that I was gonna have an abortion. So WHY did I cry when I bled four days later? Why did I feel like my body had failed me in some kind of way? I didn’t want that baby anyway…right? Why did my next, positive, pregnancy test make me tense up with fear and burst into laughs of disbelief? I didn’t want that first pregnancy-that first baby-and I knew it, and I stood on it so WHY did it pain me to utter “yes, i’ve had a miscarriage” to my midwife when I fell pregnant with Bean? What was I carrying guilt throughout my pregnancy for? Why was I SO scared that I wasn’t going to make it to the end when my body SO clearly gives me what i want; even when I don’t know I want it. My body and spirit are clearly more aligned then I realize yet I carried the anxiety that one day, during my 38 weeks of pregnancy, I’d wake up in a puddle of blood-like i’d just started a menstrual cycle.

But, my body carried my child and kept her well protected and my spirit held me through any guilt and anxiety I had and we made it to the end; a full-term pregnancy and successful labor and delivery.

And yet, despite being in labor, I was scared she wasn’t going home with me? I cried out to myself, “Why, soul, did you get me all the way to the END to give me the fear that she’d suffocate coming down my birth canal? Why, mind, would you betray me like that? Body, PLEASE don’t betray me like that.” And they heard me. and they joined hands and rallied for me…and my child. And i got a healthy and whole baby, and a shitload of anxiety about her life. And some resolve to the betrayal I felt when my body expelled my first child in my bathroom. And all is (semi) well. Though i’ll never forget, I forgive my body for doing what it thought (and probably knew) was best for me and my Bean and our future together.

I, (Used To Be) A Victim

Sad, lonely, fearful, anxiety-ridden. That was me.

I grew up in abuse; it was all I knew for years. I never felt comfortable at home, near certain family members, around loud noises- was never settled. It’s been about 4 years since I was in that space and my GOD, it seems as if the triggers have gotten worse. Trauma never stops stirring your spirit, making you anxious; it can quite literally change your brain. Post traumatic stress disorder is everlasting and can take years of therapy, spiritual work, and coping mechanisms to overcome. Now couple those triggers and feelings with being a new mom, in a cross country co-parenting situation, and listen… this is going to take a WHOLE lot of patience, unlearning, undoing, and forgiveness. But, I’m committed to doing the work because my daughter deserves a mother who is whole and healthy and kind and capable and patient.

More than that, I deserve to be all of those things, for me. My daughter deserves to grow up with a mother and father who don’t argue in front of her, who don’t make her choose; so I must fully forgive him. I must dig deep and find the love I used to have for him and pour it back into our relationship. I have to finally accept the bad for the bad and take the good memories with a grain of salt and move on; once and for all. I must learn to navigate and acknowledge my triggers so those sweet baby cries and yells don’t startle or frustrate me; so I can hear them for exactly what they are- communication. I’m only 5 months in the game, but I’ve got some skin in the game already and I’m ready to earn my stripes.

This is me holding myself accountable for my personal betterment and for my daughter’s development. Cheers to growth and grace!