Sad, lonely, fearful, anxiety-ridden. That was me.
I grew up in abuse; it was all I knew for years. I never felt comfortable at home, near certain family members, around loud noises- was never settled. It’s been about 4 years since I was in that space and my GOD, it seems as if the triggers have gotten worse. Trauma never stops stirring your spirit, making you anxious; it can quite literally change your brain. Post traumatic stress disorder is everlasting and can take years of therapy, spiritual work, and coping mechanisms to overcome. Now couple those triggers and feelings with being a new mom, in a cross country co-parenting situation, and listen… this is going to take a WHOLE lot of patience, unlearning, undoing, and forgiveness. But, I’m committed to doing the work because my daughter deserves a mother who is whole and healthy and kind and capable and patient.
More than that, I deserve to be all of those things, for me. My daughter deserves to grow up with a mother and father who don’t argue in front of her, who don’t make her choose; so I must fully forgive him. I must dig deep and find the love I used to have for him and pour it back into our relationship. I have to finally accept the bad for the bad and take the good memories with a grain of salt and move on; once and for all. I must learn to navigate and acknowledge my triggers so those sweet baby cries and yells don’t startle or frustrate me; so I can hear them for exactly what they are- communication. I’m only 5 months in the game, but I’ve got some skin in the game already and I’m ready to earn my stripes.
This is me holding myself accountable for my personal betterment and for my daughter’s development. Cheers to growth and grace!
2 thoughts on “I, (Used To Be) A Victim”
All of this is such a powerful truth that too many parents – especially moms – are unwilling to admit. Not because they don’t see it, but because admittance is hard, scary, & disruptive to all they know. Change that goes against the dysfunctional norms we’ve lived in forever is super difficult and threatens are toxic stability & may even make us feel guilty for shattering the “this is normal & ok” existence of our upbringing. Nevermind the residual feelings & thoughts that come with acknowledging our parents/parental figures were abusers in any way. This conscious truth you’re walking in will definitely make your child a great human and break so many generational curses. KUDOS!!
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Thank you SO much for your kind words and acknowledgment of the work that I am trying to do. You did well with me LOL!