“What is your biggest fear?”

TW: death. If you are sensitive to the topic of death please proceed with caution. There are no mentions of gory or graphic details.

Can I be wildly honest?

My biggest fear is dying. I don’t mean that to sound poetic. My biggest fear is dying. I have never been afraid of death and I always knew it was inevitable but I am truly afraid of dying now. Every time I’m in the kitchen and my baby is in the room or with my mom or grandma and she cries, I’m scared to die. I can not fathom leaving her in this world without me. Every time she’s crying for me and me only, my heart shatters at the thought of one day not being here for her. I say an extra prayer on those nights.

“Lord, give me as many years as possible with her. Let the both of us be old and grey before I go. Please.”

I can only imagine how I’d be longing to jump out of heaven to get to my girl. Lord, I am SCARED of dying. And I’ve never been. But it’s something truly sobering about her mommy-specific screams that make death so terrifying. I’ll never be ready and I know she won’t either and if you ever wondered why I’m already holding her so close…

I’m scared to die and leave her all alone. She is my comfort and my happy place as much as I am her’s. I hope we get many lifetimes together.

2 thoughts on ““What is your biggest fear?”

  1. I was you 32 years ago with stair step little boys breast fed, in cloth diapers, and I even sewed their clothes. Dying didn’t really impact my thoughts despite losing my dad when I was 3, my mom when I was 35 and my brother when I was 54, until the last couple of years (I’m 57). I find myself obsessed with it now that there are more years behind me then in front. Being my mom’s and brother’s caretaker intensified the fear. Hearing someone honestly express some of the same thoughts and feelings really helps. Thank you for that. Truly.


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