Deep, heavy, sigh

Let me just preface this by saying: I HATE co-parenting. Truly hate it. Already. Also, I don’t hate my baby day but I definitely resent him for a couple reasons. And yes, there is a difference between hating him and resenting him.

Y’all already know me and Bean’s dad are doing the whole bi-coastal, cross country “co-parenting” thing. Listen…. I hate it. There is a longgggg, CVS receipt style, list of reasons why but the main one? His communication skills suck RASS and I am far too impatient and mean to work through them with him.

So boom, it’s visiting time right? Their first visit since we’ve moved to California three months ago. Now, EYE am a planner. I have to plan every day, every hour, every minute. I do not go anywhere without a plan; even if I divert from the plan. Bean’s daddy is not. Y’all can already see where this is going, right? Cool. So, I’m asking questions- hella questions- because I need a plan… or an idea of a plan. He has no idea or plan but “to see Bean and spend time with her.” Duh! Why else would you be coming here right?? Except, I can’t say that to him cause that’s mean and insensitive and blah blah blah. So, I type that then delete it.

I think to myself: Alright Destiny, time to test your conscious and positive parenting skills. Oh y’all thought that whole “go with grace” thing only applies to the children? Oh, no, sorry. It’s an EVERYBODY thing. So, I formulate a better, kinder response and I’m met with “I feel like you don’t even want me to come”. Deep, heavy, negro spiritual sigh. I don’t respond to that. I bury it and move on and don’t ask anymore questions; whatever happens, happens.

But this is what I mean when I say I hate co-parenting. I do not get to be selfish and callous and mean to him. I have to show him at least the bare minimum version of kind and respectful Destiny so that I can 1: ensure he’ll make somewhat of an effort to be in our daughter’s life (without trying to place blame on me) and 2: teach her kindness and respect and all of the things. I don’t get to continuously flex my power and authority as her mother because all it does, and will do, is create an even bigger power struggle between he and I and listen… I do not have that kinda time. So f^%@ it, you right. I don’t want you to come… what time yo flight land though? Did you wanna take Bean to the park for some one-on-one time or something? Because my daughter deserves that. She deserves a father, in whatever capacity he is capable of being, and she deserves a mother willing to meet him halfway… or at least a quarter of the way. Anyway, wish me luck and restraint. This gone be a long weekend.

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