Everybody keeps saying “she’ll always be your baby. No matter how big she gets.” I’m having a hard time believing that.
It’s hard to believe that when she’s only 7 months and she’s already rolling off my chest to fall asleep BESIDE me and not ON me. It’s hard to believe she’s “still a baby” when I walk in the kitchen and both of her feet are planted on the ground; she’s standing. I can’t wrap my mind around her being a baby when she’s moving so fast! How can this be the same child I just gave birth to?? I JUST MET HER!!!
And she’s crawling on her hands and knees and standing up and trying to take steps and signaling that she’s hungry or upset or happy or annoyed and I just… *deep sigh*! How is the baby I’m looking at right now that same small little Bean I nurtured and grew for 38 weeks?! How is she the same baby I spent 12 hours bringing into this world? I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around this one.
And I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty that I’m perpetuating the idea that “black girls grow up faster” but she is! She’s moving in fast motion y’all!! I don’t want her to but she is! She has places to be, people to meet, and things to see and she’s growing up on me and soon she won’t be “just a baby”. That terrifies me. I want her to stay small and “innocent” forever. I don’t want the world to see her as a “teenager” when she’s barely a preteen. I wish I could bottle up her childishness and sprinkle it onto her as she grows into an adult, but that’s unrealistic. I wish she’d stay young forever but then I’d be robbing the world of what I’m sure will be a monumental woman. My god though, I wish she was born in a world that isn’t going to strip her of her childishness so early. I hope by the time I “really” have to worry about this things are a bit different for my Bean. For me. For all of the Black girls and women. Here’s to hoping we can preserve our childishness and femininity as long as possible; to being seen as children while we’re children.