I do not like sharing. I have NEVER liked sharing; I still don’t like sharing.
This poses a problem in my co-parenting relationship and motherhood journey. I do not like sharing yet I brought a child into this world and committed myself to sharing her for the rest of her life. WHY did I do that?! I DO NOT LIKE SHARING!!!!!!!!
I, honestly, never thought Bean’s dad was going to be in her life so telling him I was standing firm in my decision to keep her seemed easy? Or like the right thing to do at the time? I don’t know; it felt good to do. To look someone who had initially rejected the idea of her in the eye and “flex my voice” and stand firm in my decision to keep her felt good! Made me feel confident, and free. Like “yeah, YOU don’t want her but I do and dammit Imma have her!” And then… he quickly changed his mind. He wanted her and he decided he was going to be a father, and an active one at that, and I was ECSTATIC! That felt even better: “Yassss! I don’t have to do this alone! Yessss, Imma have me a man AND a baby!” Except… that’s not what I really wanted.
I stopped seeing myself as a “typical” woman years ago. Dreams of marriage and babies and husbands and coming home from work to cook, clean, mother, and wife have LONG escaped my daydreams. I knew that when I got pregnant, I knew that when I thought I was going to have to do the whole single mom thing, and I knew that when I spent twelve hours in labor. So why, now, does it feel like some groundbreaking revelation about myself? Why do I feel guilty for wishing I would’ve carried and birthed Bean “in secret”? It’s what I really wanted once I saw those two pink lines- a baby. Me and that baby, alone.
I often vent to my friends like “I want Bean to have her dad and know him and I’m glad he’s around” but… I’m lying. I don’t really want that. Not for myself at least. I want to raise my daughter “alone”. I don’t want to have to share her. I didn’t want to give her his last name. If I could have, I would’ve stayed pregnant forever- to keep her close. I only keep him around for their sake; so my daughter can decide if she wants to know her father and build a relationship with him, on her own. Just as I did with my own father. I’ve allowed him the chance to get to know her, in some capacity; for selfish reasons too- so neither of them can ever say I “kept him/her from them”. More importantly, I owe it to her to know both of her parents and to foster relationships with us from her own perspective and with her own judgements. So, I swallow my feelings and I answer his calls and allow him to visit and send him pictures and videos of her as she grows; but man, I really wanna keep her to myself. And that feels good to finally say.