All I Am… All I Was…

All I am is a mom; Mommy, Mama, Mom.

I have no other identity outside of “Mom”. I’ve lost the “hot” part of The Hot Young Mom. I’m just young and mom and I hate it. I’m losing my mind. I’m snapping and short and tired and just downright “not myself”.

The beauty is the fact that I can acknowledge this and name my feelings AND the source of them; the downfall is they’re mine so I have to sit with them. I have to sit in my anger and frustration and exhaustion and regret, fear, and jealousy and I have to call them by name and carry them with me- everywhere I go- and they’re a lot like my baby. These feelings, and Bean, they’re mine and I have to carry them everywhere I go; and that’s okay I suppose… until it’s not. Lately, it hasn’t been. I’m tired and I’m losing sight of the beauty in my ability to feel these feelings and call them by name; my Bean too. I’m forgetting just how grateful I am to have her and how much it took to even get her here- SO many long and lonely nights.

But, I’m tired and that’s all that I am and all that I’ve ever been. Tired, my synonym for: sad and depressed and lonely and ungratfeul and SCARED (Lord, am I more scared these days!) and just plain ole sad. I’ve been taking my vitamin D and seamoss and daily showers and trying to self-care it away but I am TIRED and I have nothing else to give. And yet, I muster up the strength everyday to give. Give my body, give my joy, give my gratefulness, give my strength, give my tired; everyday. Lord, I’m so tired of giving when I have nothing to give and I really really REALLY wish I was one of those moms; the ones who feel no guilt for taking breaks & “leaving them kids with they grandma”. LORD, I wish I was one of those moms… I think. I think that, in theory, I would love to be one of those diassociated moms who don’t mind abandoning their kids for a period of time because “they with they grandma, they good!” I think they carry a lot of guilt too but I also think they’re strong! It takes so much courage and strength to recognize when you’re spent and you have given it ALL and reach out for help. All the “we got your backs” in the world couldn’t give you that- ask me how I know.

I miss all that I was and I’m mourning all that I currently am… and it’s hard. It’s hard to be in a constant battle of joy and gratefulness and grieving and exhuastion because of this small human that you’re raising. I love my child and I would have her one hundred times over but I miss all that I was. I want to be more than I currently am, and, I suppose some day I wil be but for now, I’ll take the good with the bad and pray it works out in the end.

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