What a Life to Take

“Hey Siri, Cue: real sad girl vibes, loads of liquor, and a whole bunch of tears!” My fawking auntie died y’all!!! My girl, my dawg, my mama when my mama was getting on my nerves- GONE!!! I swear to GOD my heart is about to walk out my chest. Forreal forreal.

When I tell y’all these have been the longest 9 days of my LIFE?!?! This song has been in my head on the worst kind of repeat and I honestly don’t even care enough to find a new tune to take over. I miss my girl! I’m tired of losing family, seriously. I honestly got some questions for my homie Big G (God, not Greg- but Greg too, shit!)! I’ve been here before- in the thick of grief and sadness and unknowing- but THIS??? This right here feels like my soul is outta my body. I ain’t ever been this sad and broken up before; and that’s saying a LOT cause I forreal thought I was gone die without my god daddy.

I can’t seem to find the right or appropriate words to euoligize my auntie AunTee (I HAVE TO EUOLOGIZE MY MUHFUKKIN AUNTIE YALL!!!!) but this seems wayyy more appropriate and non-chaotic than continously rambling on Twitter in short threads about her. Or have I just let other people’s ideas of “oversharing” cloud my mind? EITHER WAY, I have to give honor to my AunTee and the life she lived so here goes. Bare with me, it’s going to be messy and chaotic and kinda all over the place. My heart seriously wants out of my chest these days.

Mkay so where do I start? I guess I should just frame this like a conversation with her- say what I need to say, raw and uncut, in hopes that it’s recieved properly and gets a laugh outta somebody.

Tanisha, I miss you. I am utterly heartbroken and pissed off that you left me and I know that’s selfish cause you didn’t leave *just* me but dammit AunTee YOU LEFT ME! I don’t understand the plan behind this one and quite frankly, I don’t think there was one. I think sometimes God be f*cking up and this was one of those times but like how could he take you then be like “Oops! My bad! Wrong Tanisha!” ya know? So I think he just kinda had to rock with this mistake-really own it and sit with it and just give us the strength to deal with it. I still think it was bogus as hell! I miss you. It’s been 9 days and I got like 900 things to tell you already. First one being, where the hell my little chewy candies at?? You promised ME that big bag then I seen Auntie B with a small bag of em. Wassup with that AunTee, huh?? Hella whack LOL! I like saying “hella”, it’s always reminded me of you. I used to think you were sooo cool when you said it; how the word and the Bay Area accent rolled off your tongue like honey. Did you like honey? I never really knew but I feel like you did. Remember how we used to tell stories- all around the point, lose the plot, then circle back? Imma miss that. Imma miss you sighing and saying “Niecey Pooh, what’s the story?” then the way I’d laugh and refocus. We had sooooo many more memories to make. I have sooo many more stories to tell you. Remember when I told you about Bean, how you jumped into Mama-Auntie mode and was instantly on my side, no questions? Where else Imma find you at Auntie? In who else? I’m so jealous Baby Crystal got you back! I guess it’s only fair though, I did have her Mommy for 22 years. 22 long and good years that, right now, feel very short and futile. How did 22 years go so quickly and where can I get more of em? You changed me. You gave me some of the best of you even when I was giving very much monster teenager/young adult. I’m carrying this grief in my shoulders and the “one boob I have”. I was SO excited to share my motherhood journey with you- to make it ours cause I know what it meant to you. Thank you for walking me through it, for holding my & Mommy’s hand, for loving Bean like she was really your grandbaby. Tanisha, I feel like I can’t go on without you. I feel like Imma pass out at any given moment. Like my breath is being withheld from me. I can’t figure out how to do this; how to cherish the good when it’s reminding me so much of the bad. I need you to tell me how to do this. How do I keep going? I miss your smile and laugh already. I’m so glad we shared so many of those. I’ve cried for 9 days straight but Auntie if you coulda seen that ugly mess I bought for the service? Baybeeee 🤣🤣🤣! I can hear you now: “Foo, what is that??” I gotta wear it though. The dress made me feel connected to you, reminded me of you in a good way. Plus, it was on sale for like hellaaaaa cheap so like I had to get it! Also, can I borrow a pair of your heels for this weekend? I know you got some pink or orange ones somewhere in yo house! Imma ask the boys! You taught me how to put on lashes, braid with weave, do a 27 piece, encouraged me to get my lash certification, believed in me EVERY time I took up a new hobby or venture. You gave me you and I just hope I can do the same. I miss you so so much. My heart hurts but at least you’re safe. Tell my folks I said wassup, tell Uncle Rodney he could’ve waited at least 5 more years before needing his big sis but I get it ya know. I hope I do you some justice. I love you AunTee, my Jill of All Trades (& master of MANY!)

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