I think I might have a teeny tiny crush on like 2 people y’all. One more than the other but still… this is weird. And uncomfortable. And kind of fun? I don’t know. Whatever this is, it’s refreshing. New, different, awakening or whatever.
It’s been a long time since I even looked at somebody romantically and to be honest, I liked it that way. I was guarded and felt protected; can’t hurt me if you can’t get in! And truthfully, I liked it better that way- guarded and protected . I have a hard time being vulnerable anddd I don’t know if I necessarily consider that a bad thing right now. Like what even is the benefit in dating to marry and falling for people? Marriage? Bleh🤢 More kids? More bleh 🤢 Lifelong companionship? Bleh bleh bleh BLEH!!! I like being guarded and protected; Beanie & Mommy in our little world (but really I don’t). The idea of falling head over heels for somebody is so cute and used to keep me up at night but ever since The Terrible, Awful, No-Good Baby Daddy I just… can’t. And I probably should be open to it one day, maybe even now, but like… why?
Seriously though, imagine me giving my heart or anything else (wink wink) to another person and they break not only my heart, but Bean’s too. What the hell am I supposed to do then? Sit with that grief and heartbreak? Try not to let it consume me? Dust myself and try again? I think the fuck not!! Why have to catch myself when I don’t ever have to fall in the first place? That’s silly!
Except, it’s really not silly at all and it’s not crazy or far fetched to think that somebody likes me- maybe even one day will love me- and enjoys my company AND shows an interest in my child. Or maybe it is and this is all going to blow up in my face in a month or so but isn’t that the beauty in having crushes and getting to know people? Isn’t there something fun and refreshing about seeing what you do and don’t like, who you do and don’t like? I think there’s a certain kind of beauty in baring it all and throwing caution to the wind just for the sake of having a hand to hold when you’re walking down the street and I’m ready for it. I’m ready to redefine myself as a woman and I think dating is a big first step in that direction- to see what I do and don’t like, what makes me laugh now and what doesn’t.
It’s scary, sure, but silly it is not.