I am literally so tired of being unhappy. I just want to be around people who make me feel loved and liked and invited and it’s like… I can’t find nobody like that nowhere. I’m starting to think I’m the problem. I have to be. I feel like I’m unpleasant to be around or maybe I’m so anxious I just make that up in my head. I get around people-adults, strangers, my man & his family, my clients- and feel SO. FUCKING. ALIVE!!! Why can’t I keep that around my FAMILY?? Why are the people I should be closest to the ones who make me feel like I need to throw some distance between us? The literal thought of being “home” with my mom and grandma and in a house I’ve known my whole life makes me SAD. Makes me want to literally walk into traffic. And it’s not even necessarily just them, it’s the loneliness that comes with being there, the isolation, the hyper-vigilance, the constant feeling like I need to be perfect. California is so damn high it feels like I can’t get nowhere, like I’ll never be able to escape the same 4 walls I share with my 2 year old. Georgia feels so free, so familiar, so accesible, so… home. I feel like I can take on the world when I’m here, even if I can’t for real . Even if I get out here and fall flat on my face, dammit I’m HOME! I hate boarding that plane and going back to California and I hate that I felt like that was my only and best option at the time; and that it truly was. I hate that I don’t have enough money to stay here and miss my flight. I’m envious that my brother got to stay and build a life here and fall in love and be happy or at least have a space of his own to be sad in. I’m mad my parents aren’t in any positions to help me how they’ve helped my siblings; mad I didn’t get a scholarship for school, get financial aid help from my dad, just damn mad. Im mad I didn’t give myself a chance cause I was so busy getting away. I have spent so long just trying to survive I don’t even know how to thrive and I hate that for me. I wanna be happy so bad. I wanna stop surviving and be thriving, for real. And I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what I wanna do with my life, I can’t even pretend I do. I can’t even make a plan for my life cause all I know I want is peace and quiet and solace and companionship and healing and happiness. A space to breath. Some money, too. Some friends that would pull up with a hug and some snacks to sweeten the deal. Oh, and to be a good ass mom like I have been the past two weeks- cause I was happy and chilling and excited for life and felt liked and invited. I wanna keep that feeling forever or at least for more than 2 weeks out the year.
Anyway, I guess this is my re-re-re introduction to blogging. Pray I catch a major break or find somewhere to live or work or something, shit. I’d say send money too but I feel like it’s not necessary and like I’d be begging so yeah, pray for me. Pray I get some happiness around my people and pray a door I need opened opens.